Dog Day

I had coffee, it was black, a medium roast, I wasn't satified with its weakness and decided it destroy it by putting warm milk and sugar in it. I was upset. Decisions. No precision.Decisions, not a lack of my ambitions, but definitely treated very poorly wrongly when one is under the weather and distracted be inner conflict/confusion.

Tonight Carla and I had plans to watch Y Tu Mamá También, but that won't be happening after a sudden rupture in both our moods. I blame it on earthquakes and volcanoes, and mother natures hand in her unprecitablness. I really want to watch that movie.


I am excited about self exploration and travel. I need to find the happiness within the self. I want to practice happiness. I've been watching Planet Earth by myself. I want to dive in movie watching rituals these next two months. Outdoor walks, and indoor visual observation of videos and tea drinking. I have a lot of reading to day. I took books out from the library today.
I took out :
A.L. Rees' "A History of Experimental Film and Video"
Jean Petrolle and Virginia Wright Wexman's "Women and Experimental Filmmaking"
+ Suarez' "Bike Boys, Drag Queens and Superstars"

I need to figure out what to do next in school,
Women's/Gender Studies,
a masters may be
A Film Studies Minor?
Or Sociology or Social work.
I am in need of answers from myself. I guess the more I read, and walk and talk to myself realistically, the more likely I am to coming close to Solutions and Plans.
On a totally other different note,

I get so overwhelmed when I think about the main people in my life, that they all make me cry. They all make me sad and they all make me feel loved. I push myself from them and they do the same. This is when we retreat to the places and faces of our basic comforts. Old friends, new friends, and our hobbies. We seek to reassure ourselves that we have solid ground some where, solid non-emotional relationships with really, the most consistent people in our lives. I'm afraid of loving someone because I'm afraid of having a broken heart and us not being friends in the end.
There are so many beautiful people and one beautiful one I love.
What I am really drawn to in someone is someone who laughs a lot, smiles and is easy going. Someone who is happy and gives off positive vibes.
I want to lye down on grass and look up at the clouds.


I keep thinking about summer. Summer! Summer!! And a better feeling!! Come here...